there aint nothing that love cant fix...

and i do regret more than i admit.

2007-09-26T08:31:16Z

so i finally decided to tell my mom that im going to minnesota and she freaked as if i had just told her i've been on acid for the past year. or that i committed murder. she said i wasnt thinking straight and that i'm not making sense and she was crying hysterically and was upset and said that i was giving her a headache. all of this because im going to visit my best friend. this isnt a fight i plan on losing. i have every intention of going to minnesota. she said that if i go then dont even bother coming home. and at this point, and i have had a day to think about this, if she could just let go of me like that, then i want nothing to do with it. i love my mother more than anything, but does she not think her words don't hurt me? making me choose between my friends and my family. saying that my friends mean nothing and that i shouldnt be having any. what does she know about what they mean to me. how about when her and my dad didnt want anything to do with me after i told them i wasnt going to do pharmacy. who was there for me then? they turned their backs on me so fast. and they still haven't really warmed up to the idea. im fed up with not being good enough. with everything about my mom not telling her sisters or anyone outside of our family i switched majors, pretending like i was still doing pharmacy, lying to them, telling me that i have to fall in love a certain way, its all just adding up. and this is the last straw. please dont tell me my friends mean nothing because when you turned your back on me they didnt. and im not saying i would be okay without you, but if you really think kicking me out of the house is the answer then i guess i really did fail you as a son. if you only knew half of the things i could have done, if you had any idea of what im going through, what its like to be here in this position. im still not over how last year you just stopped caring so quickly. everything was fine and dandy until i wasnt doing pharmacy anymore. and then all of a sudden i wasnt the same son in your eyes.and you couldnt face the fact that i'm not the 5 year old boy who would eat up every word you said as if it was the truth. i see the world from eyes other than yours, and our perceptions are too varied to try and blur them into a compromise. here i am, just finished taking an exam less than 12 hours ago, having another exam in less than 8 hours, and another exam the following day, and all i can think about is how all i end up doing is disappointing you. how upset i make you. the days of me making you proud are over. because i could only make you proud as a pharmacist. i could only make you proud marrying an indian girl from our community. i could only make you proud by standards you have set in a world i do not live in. just go ahead and say it, im not your son. you might as well, telling every single detail to your sisters besides the insignificant tiny little detail about me changing majors and not being what you had no problem bragging to everyone originally. did i bring you shame? im sorry if i caused you pain. im sorry that you shed all those tears, im sorry i failed you. i guess that means you dont love me anymore either? that you could actually tell me that i shouldnt come home? is this the same person who everyday tells me that she just needs to hear my voice to make her day better? or does that only apply when i say the right words, the words you want to hear? i really dont think im a bad kid. i know im not perfect in any way, but i do know that i could be a lot worse. and im not saying you should be grateful, because im only a product of morals you gave me. maybe thats something you should take pride in. but you wont, because you just expect that. how come everything thats expected of me, upon completion, goes unheralded, as if it wasnt an achievement at all. and my failures have no trouble whatsoever in making its way into everyday conversation? i dont want to make this sound as if you're failures as parents, no parents are perfect. but what more do i have to do? you drain me. i feel like i have to constantly prove myself to you. every conversation i need to justify my actions. why did i go halfway across the country? to get away. i could not live in your house. i could not be near your house. there's a reason i didn't apply to a single in-state school. i had to separate myself. i had to find out who i am. you brainwashed me into thinking i was supposed to be this super-son who's going to med school or to be some sort of doctor. you never encouraged my hobbies. to this day all you care about is my grades. at least if im doing something else you just wanna make sure i dont fail out. i guess thats what you've resorted to. you have no genuine concern about what it is i want to do with my life. you are so absorbed in how other people view you, you could care less how i view you. or how you view me. the only perceptions that you care about are the perceptions of yourself. for someone who's so selfless in everything, how could you hate me the most for the things that matter the most. how could you discourage my happiness, and set limits on me? does it make you sleep better if you think you have control? if i really wanted to, i could go smoke weed every day of the week and find other drugs to ruin my life and truly waste my money. let me live. let me breathe. or if i do that, i cant possibly be your son anymore? if im nothing more to you than the image i portray, then go ahead and put me in album of things you could care less about and store me in the basement of your mind.

i'm sick of being me. i need a vacation away from myself. i cant help but immerse myself in others and try and see how great life would be in their eyes. its subconscious, wanting to be other people. though im sure everyone has their problems, i just cant stop and wonder. my mind wanders often lately wondering how the lack of decision and impulse in my past has affected how things are today. i guess this year will have a great impact on who i will become, and it makes me nervous. as much as i have "failed" my parents already, i dont want to fail myself. but i just keep expecting myself to. i cant snap out of this trance. i cant wake up from this reality.

chalk this one up to emo bullshit and call it a night.

it's keeping me up through the morning

2007-06-26T10:30:18Z

its been a while. but here i am once again in the early hours of the morning. i have work in less than 3 hours but it doesnt matter.

i, like everyone, am drowned in my own insecurity. i know it's common. but i look in the mirror, throw the water on my face, and for the three seconds that my eyes are closed, i hope to re-open them and see a different person. just not me. it bothers me more than i let on. and it does get to me with the comments, as if i had some sort of control over it. as if i wanted this. it just ______ me that no matter who i am or how much of an awesome person anyone says i am, when i have to look in that mirror, it all hits me. im only funny to an extent. im only as nice to a point. im only the greatest guy, until i want more. im sick, like physically and emotionally, of all the bullshit. it drives me crazy how ridiculously self conscious i am. and yes, i try too hard. i dont believe in the bullshit that you just have to be yourself. no one is themselves. we all project who we want to be and haunt ourselves because we dont know who we really are or are afraid to be that person. we are all a show, and im tired of all the acts. we fear who we really are because we dont want those we love to abandon us. who has the balls to be different or original. we would rather stick to the mainstream because those who do are considered normal and those who dont on purpose arent considered rebels anymore because rebels have their own damn stream. originality is dead and courage is an afterthought. my parents may say they believe in me, but deep down they think they have failed. and i cant blame them for feeling that way. i fear for what will become of my brother's life. all my parents do is yell at him. and all i do is yell at him. and he's lost his job and has no plans. his sense of responsibility doesnt exist and my parents dont know what else to do. he's 22 years old and i dont know what he has to show for himself. not that he has to prove anything to me, i'll love him no matter what. it just bothers me that he thinks he can just brush off life as if its no big deal. does he not fear for his future? i hate how he thinks everyone is just gonna do the work for him. i hate doing work more than anyone. im the biggest procrastinator in the world. and my procrastination has lead to most of my failures in life. my parents make this face whenever my aunt talks about doctors or medicine or anything. like when my aunt and my parents we're having a conversation about my cousin, they sure knew how to make me feel like shit. she wants to be a doctor, but they dont care. all they care about was the fact that i was supposed to be one. the golden boy of the family failed. the one child in my family's generation that was supposed to make us all proud. someone for everyone to look up to. and the eldest in the generation? going to cod at the age of 22. ever since my brother found out about houston and got fired from his job, all my mom has done is yell at me. i work over 40 hours a week, and im failing this economics class [which she doesnt/cant know because that would kill her], and trying to deal with my feelings/have a social life. i cant do anything right. i dont see my friends as much as i want to, there are people at work that look at me as if i had just raped their first born, im wasting 850 of my parents money because im just a fuckin dumbass in general, and when i do see friends i dont remember the last time it went without someone referencing the color of my skin. and it just reminds me that i'll have to look in the mirror and see what they see. it usually never bothered me before and people have doing it since as far back as i can remember. i just got used to it and thought nothing of it. because it was out of my control. it is out of my control. but i hate it, still. why dont i hang out with more indians? because it makes me feel more indian. im not embarrassed of my culture at all. im embarrassed of myself. and i know i cant have it all. but there are things that i would trade a lot of what i do have for. hearing my mom cry last friday scared me more than i've ever been. my grandfather is in the hospital. he's 84, but my mom just loves our family so much. i fear how she would react, and if there would be anything i could do. i would be helpless. she's done nothing but give everything. and ive already let her down so many times. when we talked last fall and how she tried to convince me to stay with pharmacy. she did nothing but beg and cry. one of the hardest things ive ever had to do was say no to her. and hear i am sitting at home wondering if the path im on now will lead me to anything. who knows if i'll even get into the program. and if i do, what i will become after its all said and done. my head is pretty fucked up right now. before today, i had started to finally feel happy for the first time in a while. it changed. not just because of one person, its all sort of coming together and falling apart day by day. its weird what our minds can put us through. the overanalysis of the analysis of the analyzation of the dissection of the four words that could change the outcome of how i feel tomorrow and where i go today. i think i might take a few days off. maybe i'll just work and talk on the phone. and if i do decide to hang out, it will be limited at best. i dont know what to do. i dont know what i deserve. i just dont know. clearly, whatever im doing isnt enough in any aspect of life. there used to be a day when i was good enough. and everything i did was great. but then that changed. then i woke up. maybe it was never that way at all and i just thought it was because i was immature. or more immature than i am now. yes im still stubborn and selfish. i was thinking today about how i used to play video games with mike and i used to get so mad when i lost. not to say that if i was to play video games with mike today i wouldnt get pissed, because i probably would. i dont know what that means, i was just thinkin about it. i probably would be a little more relaxed about it today tho. i wonder what any of this means. like does everything really happen for a reason. are we blessed by grace, or by opportunity? are we all given the opportunity to be blessed and some just choose to do certain things a certain way? im not questioning the plan or god, but i dont get why i have to go through all of this. and im sure if i did it would all make a lot more sense. but as i reflect on my life i dont get why things happened the way they did. and as much as i dont like saying it, i really dislike sean. i know i should forgive him and just move on, but somethings holding me back. i think this is just one of those things where i have to walk up to him and tell him that i forgive him for what he did, and hope that he may still mature and whatnot. but right now if i see him im pretty sure i would just want to beat the shit out of him. all the pain and embarrassment he put my family through... but enough of that. who knows what will become of me. why these things happen. what will happen to me. but i think one of my biggest fears is ending up like my brother. my mom would probably be the most depressed person in the world, my dad the most hateful, and who knows what my brother will be. but i hope he can turn his life around. i hope he can just grow up and be a man without anyone's help. people have been helping him his whole life and he's used them as a source until they were dry. i hope my mom can find happiness. she just seems so upset because all she wanted was for us to be happy and successful and here we are. and my dad has never looked more stressed in his life. and i dont understand why i have to hold my family together. the way my brother talks to my dad just disgusts me. they cant have a civil conversation at all. he always ends up yelling at him like he's an idiot. and it makes me mad that he doesnt appreciate anyone. and that he just sleepwalks through life as if its gonna take care of itself without him doing any work. why cant he just try and seize the endless opportunities presented to him. he obviously cant be influenced by anyone in my family. what must go through his head would probably make me want to throw up. and what my mom would think of me if she knew that i drink and that i have no intention of marrying the type of girl she wants. and to have my father be disappointed in me once again, and fully tarnishing his oh-so-precious indian image to all his friends. surely he feels disgraced by his first born, though he wont openly admit it. you can hear it in his anger when he talks about him. i feel like i have let my family down. like this was all my fault. i should have been better, i should have done something. i should have seen this coming. and to think all of this without even hinting about financial woes. i see my family collapsing before my eyes. i see myself crumbling. not being able to handle the pressure. i see myself failing. i see myself as my brother. why dont i have any motivation? where is my inspiration? and how come when i suddenly find it, it's so short lived? less than two hours til work. the world will be waking up soon and this brian goes away. the brian that the world expects comes out. the nice guy, who is always good for a listen or whenever you find it convenient to fit him in. he's just a good kid, a good brown kid who i would never think of like that. well isnt that just fuckin awesome. and i know by writing this it solves nothing. we are all ignorant, shallow, and selfish. theres someone for everyone, brian, i swear. but its not me. echo through my head like its hollow, as if i havent heard it before and i just need to be reminded. no matter how much i build it up, it always comes down. and even if i try to prepare myself, it still brings me down. how will i ever know what genuine happiness is if i cant find anything close to it for a long enough time to feel anything but this. fix me. change this. change something. do something. say anything. i just want to open my eyes and not have to see the mirror of what i see.

just in case you were wondering

2007-06-08T04:57:46Z

lil update for ya, those who are concerned.

1. jordan comes to a-town next week, and im pretty stoked.
2. i got $1000 scholarship from culver's again
3. tomorrow i have an audition to be on wheel of fortune
4. i got a new phone and im not gonna lie its pretty sweet

so yeah. other things are floating around in my mind, i'll just leave them there for the time being. ya know, dont wanna sound too emo all the time.

peace outtt

i am all thats in my way.

2007-05-21T07:18:41Z

envy is never a good thing, and lately, thats all ive been feeling. i just hate doing it, looking, staring, questioning myself as if i had any control. and i immediately feel selfish because i have so much already, and you cant have it all. but i would trade it all. or at least i think i would. i mean, who knows whats in store. but i guess sometimes it just gets to me, even though theres nothing i can do about. its just the way things are, and no matter what i do, its gonna be this way probably for a good portion of my existence. i guess ive got nothing to look forward to in the morning, knowing that i have to face the day as is. its weird how you dont get to see yourself regularly, that everything is in first person perspective. like, i think it would be cool to watch myself and see me as others see me, and hear how i talk, or walk, or what faces i make. not just as if someone was videotaping me, because its not the same, but like a constant third person perspective of yourself, that would be cool. anyway, theres no point to this, just ignore it. its really just frustration, ignorant and selfish frustration. fuck envy.

home for the summer.

2007-05-12T08:55:40Z

lots of high hopes for the summer. but first, a quick recap.

i finished school stronger than i thought.

sociology: A
communications: A
math: A -
nutrition: A-
journalism: B

semester GPA: 3.6 something or other
overall GPA: 3.76 something or other

yeah. really really stoked. i thought i failed all my finals. i got a perfect score on my comm final, 104 on my sociology final, and A-'s on my math and nutrition final and a b on my journalism final. i cant believe i got an A- in nutrition after i almost got kicked out of college because of that class. it is just a huge relief for me because i felt that my parents and lot of other people doubted me after first semester because i just gave up and dicked around. and it really pissed me off. but not the pissed me off in a way to motivate me or anything, but just a general pissed off. like i dunno, in a way i wasnt even sure of myself on whether or not i could do anything. people just go on to assume that i failed first semester, and that i fucked up my life or whatever. it bothers me that the world around me doubts me, i mean im already a pretty self-conscious person who always doubts himself, but i dunno where im going with this. whatever bullshit that happened in the past, its over. no one can say shit now. ive set myself up to only be one online summer class and a semester away from getting closer to my goal.

it really bothers me. like really bothers me. it hurts a lot. i take it as a slap in the face every time, but you dont even seem to notice. you went from my best friend to just an acquaintance. at best, you were just a friend. but you used to be one of my best friends, and i know i used to be one of yours. and what did i do? i was too nice? well if thats the case, im sorry. i didnt know that was such a bad personality trait.

those words stung more then i lead on. my problem is that im too nice. its just something i cant grasp. and it bothers me too.

but i really cant complain about my life. im sure there are a lot of people that would want to be in my position academically, so im not going to take that for granted. i think this is gonna be a good summer. we'll see.

good luck to those who still have finals. and those on the way home, be safe.

i dont know what to think. am i alone in feeling this way. am i making this up, or is there something. i guess we'll see.

Both of you need to come and talk to me - the sooner the better.

2007-04-12T02:48:42Z

so if anyone read yesterday and thought i was feeling stressed, its cuz i was. and today it got worse. more financial troubles, and then the worst email ive ever read.

so i emailed my nutrition teacher wondering why my grade for the last exam wasnt posted, and why jordans wasnt either. she sent an email back to me saying that she wanted to see us. and all of a sudden, i saw my whole life flash before my eyes. i knew immediately that being caught cheating, whether i did it or not, would pretty much end my college career. i would be kicked out of uconn and no school would accept me as a transfer cuz no one wants the kid that cheated. all of my hard work would have been ruined. and i was feeling pretty good about today after getting another perfect grade on another speech. but that would have been worthless too. after getting to her office and hearing her say those words, i realized there has to be a God and he has to really love my mother and listen to her prayers because he saved my ass. and jordans. im so grateful yet so pissed. i dont know how to feel.

recently, ive been feeling really sick before going to bed. like i feel like im physically going to just vomit in complete disgust of my life. ive never felt so stressed, felt so uncomfortable with my surroundings, had lower self esteem, or ever dsakfllkdasjfjkhdskajghk in my whole life. this is my breaking point. and i somehow have to pull together, because i need to get a 100 on my math exam on friday in order to get an A in the class, which i know i can do, and i have every intention of doing it. its just that now i have to also take another nutrition exam three hours after that math one.

i over-exaggerate., i know the world isnt coming to an end, or at least mine isnt. ive just never felt so vulnerable before. and all these issues with money lately really have taken their toll. i dont know what to do. but i guess i'll figure something out. i always do.

somebody just shoot me.

you're all i am. nothing else matters.

2007-04-11T01:21:15Z

the only true friends in life that never let you down are your pillow and you're teddy bear. how could they? you're pillow lets you relax, holds you up when you feel the weight of the world pushing you down, or it lets you sink in and you let it engulf you, allowing all your pressure to be absorbed through it. and its always there to catch your tears before you sleep. or you're teddy bear, never saying no to the deathgrip you put on it after a bad day. these are friends that never falter, never say no, and are always there.

so i went home last wednesday. it was great seeing everyone that i did. i wish i could have seen the people that i didnt, if that makes sense. ive had a lot to think about lately and have felt a lot of stress lately, most of it being financial. but those are holes that i dug myself. it seems like ever since i got back at uconn yesterday i cant get anything right. theres less than a month left of school til im home for summer, yet i feel like i have so much to do.

in other news, im really proud of my mom. shes been nominated for the woman of the year award at her hospital. she was so excited to tell me and im just so happy for her because ive been saying for so long [as long as i can remember] how i have the best mother ever and finally someone else is recognizing just how great of a person she is. hopefully she wins, because there is no doubt in my mind that she has earned this award every year of her life and has failed to be recognized properly. and even still, she doesnt complain. she doesnt bitch, moan, or throw a hissyfit. i dont know how she does it, but she is perfect. and like i know when you're growing up you think you're parents are invincible and they are perfect and then you grow up and realize that you were wrong. but im one of the lucky kids that got to grow up and realize that my mom is incredible, and i believe the same thing when i was 7 as i do today. sure we have our disagreements, and our beliefs arent the same, but she has every intention of doing whats best for her kids and for her family. if there is ever a more selfless person in this world, show them to me. because there isnt. there just isnt. i love you mom.

i dont know what path im on anymore. what my goals are. or what they should be. i dont know to tackle things one at a time anymore. i feel like things collapse around me constantly but i have to keep going. if a friend falters, i have to stop and help. not because i feel forced to, but because its a friend. i still need to learn many things. i still need to learn to help an enemy, or people i think are enemies. there are people in my life that i have yet to truly forgive, no matter how much i say i have. i have demons that haunt me, fears that worry me, and problems that make me lose focus.

this is the only place i will ever be talking about me. i feel that out there, in the real world, theres no room for me to talk about all my problems and be selfish and greedy. there are so many of those kinds of people out there, i dont need to or want to be another person. i guess thats why i dont speak up too much. sure i'll add my opinion here and there, but i dont need attention, i dont need a spotlight on me. please world, come to me with your troubles. because believe it or not, i have genuine concern for you. and though i dont have all or sometimes any of the answers, im always good if you need ears to listen, or eyes to believe you, or shoulders to carry burdens. im not jesus, im nothing special. i dont want to be, i guess. i dont know what i want exactly, but i do want to be the person that anyone can come to.

no matter what's going on, i guess we all just need to have hope faith trust and love. hope for it. have faith. trust that's there's a purpose. and love, well have it ready, and embrace it when it approaches. the world, time, people, life. its not something we can avoid, something we can pretend. when everything isnt "it", you just gotta know.
everything is gonna be alright. be strong. believe.

fear is a friend who's misunderstood.
but i know the heart of life is good.

no one makes fun of me 'cause i can't stand up for myself.

2007-03-21T07:41:56Z

can't wait to screw this up.

so i wonder sometimes when i'm going to finally breakdown. or wake up and find myself being surrounded by a world of false words and fake characters. and then i wonder if that's the world im living in now. i know its terrible to say, but sometimes i really do question who my friends are. i know a lot of people are busy or whatever, but its not like i have the lightest schedule anymore either. i dunno, sometimes i feel like people forget about me since im all the way over here. and its not really that big of an issue, but when you have a lot of time to think, well.. you start to think i guess. i mean i know that i would do pretty much anything for my friends. i always put my friends before me. or others for that matter. i just have never been the kind of person that is just looking out for my back. i would rather make sure that everyone else is okay or can do something, and then i'll follow. i mean, dont get me wrong, in no way, shape, or form am i afraid to lead, because i know i have done it in the past. theres no fear to take initiative, its just i would rather watch my friends be happy. and this doesnt mean that i expect anything in return from the friends i do favors for, or whatever it is. im not in friendships for the give and take. its no secret, i love to talk. i could talk about anything with anyone. but at the same time i can be very closed. there are just some thing i would rather not share only because i dont like to put my problems on others. i would much rather have other people vent through me or even project their problems to me. as i look through pictures and think of memories, i realize that life is about the stories you can tell. it doesnt take a genius to realize that we are defined by the moments and the decisions of those moments - our life. and over my lifetime i have a lot of stories, lots of moments, which i am glad to say that i have. but then there are nights like these, when im the only one awake after a terrible day or week or month or whatever and i look out my window and see the connecticut sky, and i just wonder 'where are you now?' sometimes im asking myself, others time referring to a person, or group of people, or God. lately i feel like faith is being put on display for me. at church on sunday there was this little boy who was probably no older that 6 or 7 and he's singing the same song im singing, but just looking at him it seems like he's singing it with conviction. and to me, that little boy, that's faith. who knows what other thoughts are going through his head, the point is at that moment, i happened to notice him, to notice faith. i dont know if its coincidence that i get the chills every time i take communion at my church here, but i do know i like it a lot. regardless, anytime i think my life is going good, i hesitate to enjoy it because i know that bad news is gonna come sooner or later. nothing in life can ever be perfect, can it? looking at some of the pictures in the calender kels made me, its sad to look at the faces of people i havent spoken to, like a real conversation, in so long. but thats me, nostalgic bt. looking back at the past, nervous/anxious for the future, completely missing the present. im just so lost in everything. and last week i was given a scare when the professors at the sport management meeting said that they only take 10 kids into the program. 10. and here i am dicking around in class and waking up late for exams. i got a 79 on my damn math exam because i lost 15 points on 3 multiple choice problems that i knew the answers too. i dont know what it is, but this week i feel completely disgusted in myself. like at my life. and how i live it. and how i waste moments. silence only reminds me of how alone i really am out here. or at least how i feel. i guess one could say that i f find neglect to be the greatest sign of friendship in my life. people talk to me when they first - need something and then second - when its convenient. i dont care, i really dont. it makes no difference to me if i talk to you every day or if i talk to you once a month. im not going to change. im still gonna care about you as much. and there are people who would say brian why do you do all this shit for people, you let them walk all over you, you know you could just say no when they ask. but thats the thing, i cant say no. i never could. if my friends want something, and i could be of any help, why wouldnt i do it? because its not convenient for me? no, thats bullshit to me. no matter how any one else in this world treats me, i wouldnt want to be the guy to let someone down. and i really do get upset when i do because i feel i have failed at something thats more important than whatever im doing. and who knows about this sports management thing. if i keep dicking around, i will have failed. all the pressure my whole life of making the family and the extended family and the extended family's extended family proud will have gone to shit and i will just be another indian kid who couldnt hack it. i know that i shouldnt expect things to just come really easily, but i cant motivate myself to be productive. lets be honest, i have low self esteem/self confidence and have lived a life doubting every ability that i have. im not the best at anything. im not attractive, not extremely funny, or extremely smart, or extremely athletic. im good at somethings, but could never consider myself the best at something. and my whole life i was expected to be. my mom used to ask me what i would get on tests and i would say 95 or 97 or 93 and she would just look at me like i was dumb, as if i was a terrible person because i didnt get 100. i always thought she was kidding and figured she was proud of me but who knows. ive been placed on a pedestal and im not sure if can handle it. who knows when it all falls down. or maybe im just afraid of heights, i fear the fall not knowing if it will ever come.

its times like these i wish i had conviction. i wish i had strong faith. i wish i was a 7 year old boy.

don't waste your youth like i did.

amazing how life turns out the way that it does.

2007-02-28T17:49:18Z

"for most who live and breathe,
hell is never knowing who they are now.
tell me who you are now.
finally safe from the outside trapped in what you know.
are you safe from yourself? can you escape all by yourself?"

i havent said anything in here in a while. i guess you could say a lot has happened. or not. so im joining a fraternity. I was skeptical but interested at first, but now i am so glad that im doing it. all the guys that are in my class and all the brothers seem really cool and im having a lot of fun at the parties. and unlike last semester, im actually taking classes now. and i love this so much more than last semester. i realize now how much i hated pre-pharm and that i can definitely see myself doing something with sports. and its something i hope to accomplish. i havent really kept in touch with everyone as much as i should have, and i feel bad. so sorry to everyone who reads this. and yesterday i was upset because my dad and i filled out my fafsa application and its just really depressing to see where we are. and it made me respect my parents so much more. they make so much money in a year and barely see any of it. like barely. its so ridiculous. i could never imagine working hard and investing smart for almost two decades only to see it all disappear in a week. i dont know what i would do with myself. being placed in a hole that i never dug, never asked for, never deserved. and you would think at that point they would give up and be angry with god. instead, they take a deep breath, and try their best to move on. their faith is a reason for hope. i mean, one can argue, what else can they do, they've got nowhere to go but up. but these are debts that will only grow. with my brother still in college and now im in college. and to think how much a dollar must mean to them. i know my mom is the most selfless person in the world. i cant even remember the last time she went shopping for herself. she doesnt give two shits about new fashions or eating at fancy restaurants. she doesnt expect anything from anyone. and my dad, as much as i used to despise him, i have realized that i was wrong and he was and always will be a good man. i might not have had the most enjoyable childhood, but my parents have done everything in their power for me and i've done nothing but bitch and moan about wanting more. im always wasting money and spending it impulsively. money has never been put in limits for me. ive always figured that i'll make it back, and the money im spending is for a good purpose. i know its something i need to work on. im spoiled and blessed in many accounts, and i could never be able to show how grateful i am. so the other day i was thinking it would be really cool to study abroad. jordan agreed. so im thinking maybe next spring we'll go to singapore. or new zealand. or australia. somewhere cool. my mom already said it was alright so hopefully that works out. the only thing really holding me back is not being able to talk to everyone as much. i've made a lot of friends here and i have a lot back home, and i dont want to just get up and go and show up in six months like nothings changed, cuz thats never how it works out. its hard to try and figure this all out now. i dunno. just thinking about how things could go wrong at any given moment. ever since i was able to realize that bad things happen to good people, i have feared losing someone close to me. i have feared failure. as much as i want to live for myself, i just dont have that inner motivation anymore. i feel like the only way i keep going is for hopes of a better life for the people around me. i go to bed each night and wonder what tomorrow holds. will it be the day that i lose everything? its a depressing and pessimistic way to look at life, i know, but i cant help it. i cant help but wonder what i would do if the situation did happen. and i was broken. to say i hope that day never comes is foolish because it will eventually, and you never know when it will. the fact alone that my mom could have died twice in the past two years because of shit thats fucked up with her body had me going crazy, not to mention all the times she tells me how she falls asleep at the wheel because shes driving home from work and shes just so tired. and thank god that he is watching over her. not to sound ungrateful or anything, but if anyone deserves to be blessed, its her. i know i might seem biased when i talk about her, but i dont care. in my heart i know she is like a saint, and if i am ever blessed with kids, i could only hope to guide them and be half as good of a parent that she is. and dad, with every passing day i feel more close to you. for the first time in who knows how long, i feel that i am finally good enough for you. so yeah, i love you both a lot. just thought i would let the world know. and blesson, no matter who else doubts you, im always behind you. i know you can accomplish whatever you truly set your mind to. dont settle for a life that you're gonna hate. its not worth it. i know mom and dad have never treated you and me equally, and i know its never been fair to you, and that they've always spoiled me. but please dont take that as a sign that they've given up on you. i know they havent. you can do this man. its in you. it has to be. you can go places man, just know its time to buckle down. get shit done. i got your back. like you've always had mine. thanks. i guess the only bad thing i have to write about is that sometimes im sitting by myself, way after the world is asleep, and im sitting in my room and i look out my window out onto uconn and the rest of connecticut and i wonder if i really am loved as much as i love others. i guess thats what i really want the most. more than anything, really. to be loved. i know its a foolish and selfish thing to ask for, but who doesnt want to be accepted. especially in such a way. loneliness is an empty road. no one wants to be an outcast. who knows what the next twenty years have in store for me. hopefully it will alllllllllllll work out. i miss everyone. take care. god bless. peacccccccccce.

yeah, i wanna be 6 again with all the friends i have now. i think that would be badass.

"do you remember when we were just kids?
and cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss.
schoolyard conversations taken to heart.
and laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not."

i've got a bad feeling about this.

2007-02-01T07:40:34Z

i've realized that my life falls into one of two options: absolutely perfect or absolute shit. this morning was the former, tonight was the latter. i dont understand why my life has to be so up and down, and why i have to be so stupid. im sorry. i always fuck things up. i'm never speaking up again.

and i wish it were us.

2007-01-24T08:30:52Z

so break was interesting to say the least. not so bad christmas. good birthday. i dunno, it just seemed like my whole life was on autopilot for four weeks. i dont know whats wrong with me, but im the same way here. its weird the way things are going. and im not sure whats going on really. i know what i need to do, i just cant get myself to do it. or i forget. my life is a downward spiral, if i can be unoriginal and emo for just a moment.

i really like it here. and just everything about this place is awesome, i think. it's kind of a surreal experience. but yet when i look at my life on the inside i feel myself collapsing, and just trying to sprint out like indiana jones or something. i dont know what the point of me writing in this is, i just figured its been a while and im up anyway.

i cant stand thinking. if im alone and i have time to think i realize all of my insecurities, and they eat away at me one by one. im the first to admit that i have terribly low self esteem and self confidence, which is why i can be quiet a lot of the time. and thats probably why i seem to be so out of it all the time. like i dont want to be at any given place at any moment with anyone. and yet i loathe being alone.

i hate this. i just want to fast forward, even if these are my best years. i dont know what value is, and i've definitely been handed more than i deserve on several platters, and like a selfish, greedy, and bitter old man i just took a little of everything without looking back. i now find myself at a fork in which i have no clue which direction to take because the whole journey i've been staring and eating from the snack cart. now that i have to be my own person, i find myself second guessing every decision and expecting failure.

so come get me, maybe a part of me wants to fail so i can live my life just as bitter and selfish as i have been.

"can't get your memory, off of my mind.
just want your heartbeat, on top of my mine.
there's something dancing, here in the shadows
and i wish it were us."

but it was you i was thinking of.

2006-12-24T09:28:40Z

"dream of demons while you sleep that make you stutter when you speak."

so i dont know whats been wrong with me lately. i feel like im always late on everything. ive done one wrong thing after another, and i feel myself doing it. saying the wrongs things, taking the wrong steps, just being an idiot. i guess i dont really have anything to complain. i've been given a lot this year. much more than i could ever imagine or deserve. 2006 has been the best year of my life. i've been surrounded by real friends, not ones i just assume are my friends. there are actually people that care about me. i feel more in control of my life now more than ever. and i feel the pressure of wanting to achieve for myself. all these things are good. i guess.

i dont know what the purpose of me writing this is. i dont know whats really on my mind. i guess i just need to sort it all out. no matter how much i try to ignore it, it still sticks out in my head. i mean, i know i've got the jacket now and whatever but for you to say that really just caught me off guard. i know its not necessary for you to get me anything for my birthday or christmas, and its not like i ever expect anything from you since you did so little of it for me while i was growing up. dont think i forgot. sure you threw parties for my birthday. and then what. took all my birthday money. and at christmas. you never bought presents for me. and i never complained. i figured hey at least i get presents. and i enjoyed the family christmas parties on christmas eve. that is, until you stopped taking us because of your dumb feud with family. and i watched each christmas come and go. assuming everything was normal but knowing in the back of my mind that it really wasnt. who was i kidding. this isnt what christmas is like at all. the only thing that saved my childhood was the one christmas were mom hid everything from you and me. she bought me that bulls hat and my first basketball. and i woke up for the first time on christmas morning and was surprised. by her. and that was the best christmas ever.

but for all of these things, i have always forgiven you. but you have never forgiven her. you always are quick to point the finger at her, telling her that she's spoiled us and that every mistake we make is her fault. the fact that you somehow found the audacity to even judge her, let alone judge her in such a way, is totally appalling. you and i both know that she is not like any other person in this world. in all of my almost 19 years of living, i have not found one fault in her. yet you fault her for my mistakes. so you know what. im sick of it. what do i want for my birthday, dad? that is, if you care enough to get me something. well, i want you to quit blaming mom for everything. this family would not exist without her. and who knows what kind of real trouble i would be in if it wasnt for her. it's a shame you'll never read this, because you of all people should know that we are lucky to have her.

when will you grow up? you're supposed to be a role model. im supposed to look up to you. why do you keep thinking the world will fix your problems and you dont have to worry about anything. mom and dad cant and wont support you forever. why cant you find a way to do better? cant you hear the pain in moms voice when she prays for you every morning? does that not stir you at all? don't you want to make yourself better? you aren't six years old anymore. far from it. she's got a point, you know. most people would be graduating in the spring. but where are you? if you keep going like this, you're not going to go anywhere. and it's sad. what more can any of us do but tell you? i know dad comes down hard on you, but he does the same to me. and so does mom. and you and i both know that they've always expected 5 times more out of me than what they did out of you. so why is it so difficult to achieve just a little bit. yeah sure, talk is all well and good. but you've gotta put the effort and work behind it. i know i sound like a hypocrite but you cant just hang around anymore. you need to finish and graduate from college and move on with life. there is no more time to put off. they dont ask you to annoy you. they ask you because you dont take the time to ask yourself. you need to get your priorities in order. because im sick of having to tell you what to do. im sick of having to pick up after you. im sick of having to tell mom and dad that you're doing alright. you know i always have your back, but it's time for you to stand up and confront your problems. the world and life will pass you by if you think it's just going to come to you. prove them wrong. prove me wrong. please, grow up.

i cant think about this or anything anymore. fuck it all. goodnight.

"speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces."

for goodness sake i think im on the edge, of something new with you.

2006-12-09T10:11:45Z

i have a fear. its a terrible fear. i go to sleep every night and its there, waiting. i get chills just thinking about it. i worry that tonight might be the night. that i'm only one second away from living the nightmare that greets me when i rest.

i fear that i'm going to lose someone close to me. at first i took this fear and never let anyone in because i didnt want to have to add someone else that would make my fear grow. but each night i go to sleep and worry. that i'll wake up in the morning and something would have happened. that my life would change forever. i would never be the same. i would be vulnerable to the world.

and whats sad is that its inevitable. its coming. who knows when, but its coming. and you would think that i'll be prepared for it. but i know that having this fear will just make it worse. and its not something i can overcome. or something i will overcome. i guess thats why i push people away. or let people get separated from me. its not that i dont love them. or that i dont care. im a horrible person.

i wish i could be 6 again. when i first met my first grade teacher mrs. ingersol. before she got sick and died when i was in middle school. back to the time when i was 3 and we would go to my cousins house for a prayer meeting and i would crawl to my mother in the middle of the sermon and fall asleep in her arms. and she wouldnt mind if i drooled. or back to the moment in the story she always tells me. i want to live in that moment forever, when i was so sure that i would be the one to find her a big treasure so that she would never have to work again. back to when she was proud of me. and just looking at me would make her smile. back to the days when i lived in my old house behind stardust bowl and money was never an issue. i never deserved nice things anyway.

whos says i cant want to live in my past? my earliest years were the ones that had me smiling the most. my parents were always happy. i looked up to my brother, not the other way around. back to when i was destined to be a doctor. or the next michael jordan. back to the summer of 95 where there was a huge heat wave and i played basketball in the middle of the day, everyday, until it was too dark to play, which is why im so dark. back to when i first ran on a track. when i won my first race. heck, i'll settle for when i crossed the finish line in my last race and i went up to john and gave him a hug. because that was it. that was how it was supposed to end.

so thats how it goes. i fear the future because i fear my own failure. i liked it when i had potential. and now i've got none, and i've got no one. it's not ironic that every entry in this journal is depressing. this is the only place i'll allow myself to be sad. because, fuck, if nothing else, at least i can feel. i dont flip my hair. i dont go to hawthorne. i dont eat my feelings.

my parents never pretended. i knew since day 1 there was no santa. or the tooth fairy. christmas wasnt a big holiday in my house. everything was always a money issue. still is. i realize now that my family cares more about pride and image than love and humility. awesome. i cant complain. i really have no right to. here i am sitting at a huge ass university which gave me a scholarship for god knows why and my parents, no matter how little they say or show it, love me, a brother who never argues with me, and [at least i pretend to think] friends that care about me. and i know im not good enough for them.

and even with all this, my phone is silent. unless someone needs something. or to know something. i fool myself into forgetting that everything is motivated. theres a reason behind every action. a feeling behind every word. just dont forget that eventually i'll figure it out. it might be today, or three weeks later. you care about others than you do me. and its cool. i get it. but dont hide it.

im catching on and catching up, to all the things that slipped my heart and my mind.

good night world. hopefully you'll still be standing when i wake up. and i can fake another day once more.

brabit1988 @ 2006-11-29T16:27:00

2006-11-29T20:27:50Z

i was home. for two weeks. and you waited.
held it in.
avoided it.
avoided me.

and then. as im packing. as im getting ready to leave. the whole town is sleeping. but your heart is finally speaking. thanks for letting me know i've let you down just like he did. comparisons were always your forte.

on a brighter note, i emailed mr. thompson at AT wondering if i could maybe volunteer coach with the sophomore girls basketball team. i thought there was no chance that he would say yes and then i woke up this morning and he emailed me back and said yes. So i officially applied for the job today. im not gonna get paid but i told him i wasnt looking to get paid anyway and this way i can find out if coaching is something i might wanna do with sport management.

peace out.

this is for you.

2006-11-20T09:12:26Z

i dont know what you expect from me. i dont want things to change. but i understand what you're saying. im not sure what's gonna happen. but im more confused than ever and i feel sick to my stomach. im completely miserable.

but you were never really ever there at all.

2006-11-03T05:10:50Z

from what once was bold and refreshing.
to an existence we never knew.
to hearts grown cold and sober.
the silence right on cue.

where did you go off so quietly?
the echoes of your silence scream so loud.
to a distance where i am barely noticed.
my epitaph reading "for trying to make you proud."

and i feel pathetic. because there are so many others with real problems. and real concerns. and yet here i am dickin around in college and find the audacity to bitch and moan. to my friends that i have not kept in touch with. im sorry. to the family who may or may not care if im alive. im sorry. and to you. i dont know what i did. i dont know what happened. but im sorry.

just another day in the life of someone who is too consumed in himself to wake up to the world that matters the most.

i cant believe you.

2006-10-27T08:25:54Z

something's very wrong here.
your heart has frozen over.
and something's very strange here.
you've lost all desire.

i realized today exactly why it has been so long since i last talked to you. you never change. do you even listen to me, or did your stubbornness make your cave in? why is it that i could never just be good enough for you? for either of you. what do you want from me? you have yet to explain to me why you want me to be a damn pharmacist so bad. and why you can just accept the fact that i am not going to be one. how many times do i have to tell you? have you ever listened to me? what did i ever do to let you down? what have i done to never have your support? why am i such a failure to you? what more do you want from me? i am tired. i've spent 18 years trying to maybe make you somewhat proud, but nothing was ever good enough. it was just another honor roll or just another track medal. nothing to make a big fuss over. but when it came to going to blesson's volleyball games, or when blesson made the honor roll, then everything all of a sudden became a spectacle. that missing it would just be foolish. and dont feed me the "we knew you could do it but blesson needed the encouragement to succeed" bullshit. i really didnt want much. a simple "i'm proud of you, son" would have sufficed. but it was never more than pre-dinner talk. like it wasnt even a topic of discussion. "oh, brian's grades came today, 5 a's, 1 b" "oh thats nice" of course it was easy for you to pick me apart the second it seemed i was struggling.. "you work too much" "this is what you get for hanging out with friends" "you spend all this time doing nothing but watching tv or going online and staying up late, no wonder why you're grades arent good" and then at the end it turned out alright and all of a sudden it wasnt a big deal anymore. time and time again i proved you wrong, and you kept quiet. thank you for pointing out each and every one of my faults. and making sure everyone and their mother who lives in india knows about it. only proud of me when it makes you look good. figures. and what was it that you said? "you're friends are no more. you're on your own. they've moved on with their lives, its time for you to move on with yours. forget your friends, they've certainly forgotten about you." thanks. but at least when i talk to them, whether they are there for me or not, they take the time to listen. thats one thing they have done that you could never do. it was always what was best for you, wasnt it? it was never about me or blesson. it was about sam. sam's house. sam's things. sam's kids. and mom just followed you because thats the person she is. faithful. loyal. loving. but even she fell into your lies. telling her that she spoiled me. that i have way more than i deserve. and its true. i have lived a very blessed life. but to close the phone on me today, dad, only shows that you are the same man that you have always been. running away from your children. i needed you. i needed mom. and both of you, you're biggest concern, is whether or not im staying in pharmacy. and i gave you a damn answer. and you still hope that im gonna change my mind? why? you want me to come home? why? do you even care about what i want? or are you just embarrassed because i didnt end up becoming what i thought i would. i didnt fulfill your lifelong dream as the son to make you proud. as usual, i have let you down again. and there is no proving you wrong. you got me. is this what you wanted? to see me miserable? is this supposed to teach me some sort of lesson? or are you ignorant to your own actions. with each passing day of silence i realize that you care for me less. sometimes i wonder if you even care at all anymore. and why shouldnt i? the last two times i've tried to talk to you, your biggest concern wasnt how i was doing, but whether or not i was going to be a god damn pharmacist. yeah dad, i'll be a pharmacist. just as soon as you become father of the year.

and mom, you dont think i cant tell that every word you say to me comes out with pain. i know somethings wrong. i know i have let you down. you cant lie to me. you never could. and i could never look in your eyes and lie to you. thats just never how we were. but why do you feel pain, mom? you've carried the burden for so long. this is my life, now. you cant change my mind on this one. i'm sorry. and it kills me because i know you cry each day praying for me that i am doing well. but there is no way i will be what you want me to be. and i know, thats what i promised you when i was younger. maybe i will find that treasure for you someday, mom. but it wont be in the form of a salary for being a pharmacist. i know its hard for you to understand, but i dont know what else to do. i hate speaking three words to you a day and keeping the truth away. but i dont want you to worry about me. you dont need the stress. but tell me, what should have i done? stayed with it, fought it out, and be miserable? this isnt something i can do for you, mom. this is my life. and i know this wont be the first time we disagree on whats best for me, but quite frankly, you dont control that anymore. i love you, but do you really expect me to leave any chance of living a happy life just to make you happy? isnt that what you always told me not to do, but i did it anyway? im sorry. there are many choices, sure. but i know what i am going to tell you eventually will not be what you want to hear.

and i am afraid because i have let you down. wasted your money. and even somehow i feel bad for ruining your precious images as great parents. you havent failed. i have. right? because after all, its my life.

i've spent all of my nights wide awake.
wishing for some kind of poison to take.
so that my conscience would just take a break.
i am so tired of the noise that it makes.

i'm guilty enough without hearing it twice.
please don't hate me.

you won't give it up,
but it's all in your eyes.

Please don't hate me for this.

dear diary..mood:apathetic.

2006-10-24T07:35:10Z

hello emojournal.

this one's for you, champ. you know who you are.

that's right, i said it. i'm an emo kid.

peacce.

stabby RIP stab stab.

i've been waiting all this time to be, something i cant define.

2006-10-19T07:28:46Z

so i cant confirm it for sure yet, but i think today was the day. the day i figured out what i want to do with my life. it's been in my mind for weeks, but today i took action to learn more. and i'm glad i did.

Sport Management [for sure] and maybe Journalism [we'll see how it goes].

It seems like exactly what i love. what i enjoy. what makes me happy.

so i'm failing calc and chem. i want to withdraw from both, and hopefully my adviser will let me. because i dont need those classes anyway. i would just be wasting my time. soo...yeah.

and then there's you two. our phone calls get shorter as each day passes and that's only because we choose to cut off the silence. how could i possibly tell you i'm withdrawing from two more classes. and the major i've chosen.. i know it's not good enough for you. but that's who i am. that's what i want. and yes, i wasted this semester. it's gone to shit. but there's nothing we can do about that now. and i'm not expecting your support. i knew i never had that anyway. i just thought you should know. and if you dont think your money is worth spending on me, which i'm sure is how you feel, then dont spend it. don't do me any favors. you haven't before. why start now? and you, mother, of all people. you leave to go halfway across the world in less than a week. you cant tell that theres something wrong. saying i love you doesnt fix things. saying i love you doesnt take away that feeling that now has found a home inside me. the feeling that you dont care about what i want. the feeling that you care about your image more than your son. how am i supposed to deal with that? tell me. please. do you know what its like to feel worthless? like your whole life you were doing something for a purpose and then all of a sudden that purpose vanishes? i did all of this for your happiness. and now i know you only wanted me to succeed to make it seem like you were so special. and you are. dont get me wrong. you're amazing. amazing at making me look like a fool all these years. yes, i love you. no, i dont hate what has happened. everything happens for a reason.... right? so tell me, what's your reason for not wanting to be there? for not caring anymore? just because i'm not pre-pharmacy doesnt mean i've failed. unless i'm watching through your eyes. what else could i do? its so hard to talk to you.

i... i cant even write anymore. it hurts too much.

sometimes, its hard to believe you remember me.

i'm a mess. i guess.
it's what i asked for. it's what i needed.
well, you know me better than that.
or at least you did and something happened.
but once again something's happened.

the confidence you held in me is the rope you hung me with.

you say you wanted more. what are you waiting for? i'm not running from you.

2006-10-11T05:17:32Z

i dont know why you think avoiding the subject altogether will make it better. that's just foolishness mixed with a little bit of wishful thinking. not a good combination. but then again, i guess you were just going all-in on the single hope that i might change my mind. well that was worse. thank you. you're complacency just makes me realize how alone i am.

taste the saline rolling down your cheekbone.
tell me that you're alone.
tell me on the telephone.
feel your heart it breaks within your chest now.
try to get some rest now.
sleep's not coming easy for a while.

and what should i expect from everyone? who am i to think anyone is listening? i guess part of me doesnt want to hear from you, any of you, because then i have a reason to be depressed. a reason to be bitter. and i guess that's all i really wanted anyway, right? a reason for depression.

i hear sound echo in the emptiness.
all around but you can't change this loneliness.

and then it comes down to it all. everything takes time. eventually, you tell yourself. look at you... you dont even know who you are. you're torn everyday by everything and you are in a constant battle of head versus heart. it seems to always end in a draw. with both opponents losing. and then you're left with nothing and back to square one. only to fall asleep and go to battle again. does it ever end? will the end ever come? and then what happens? my life is all of a sudden sensible? everything will be perfect? what am i fighting for? why do i struggle within to myself to find who i am anyway? does it even matter? does anyone even care? do i?

look in my eyes.
you're killing me.
killing me.
all i wanted was you.

i guess the beatles we're right. all you need is love. and well, love has always gave me the cold shoulder. so here i will sit. and wait. and just keep tapping love on the shoulder like an annoying five-year old hoping one day it will turn around and grant me the slightest second of happiness.

or maybe not. maybe im just being a wishful thinker. well, at least i know where i got that from. thanks mom.

without forgiveness we're savages. you're drowning.

2006-10-09T06:49:32Z

"oh, all that i know, there's nothing here to run from. 'cause yeah, everybody here's got somebody to lean on."

"where is this love? i can't see it, i can't touch it. i can't feel it. i can hear it. i can hear some words, but i can't do anything with your easy words."

"i never wanted to fit in any place except your heart, but we grew apart."

so you ever think that maybe things are never really completely figured out. just kinda mostly. like sometimes shit is going perfect and then bam! you're mom gets hit by a car or things are going really shitty and bam! you're mom gets hit by a car...

you know that sinking feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach? yeah, that one. and you know that feeling after you say you know that sinking feeling you get in the pit of your stomach? it's like damn, i just used a cliche to describe a feeling. fuck. i'm so unoriginal. and then you realize you're being cliche by saying you're unoriginal. and then you realize you're being unoriginal by saying you're unoriginal. yeah, that feeling sucks.

i never really grasped the purpose of depression. yeah, you got that sinking feeling. pit. stomach. yeah, heard it. eventually you drown, right? you're depressed and drowning. you can only sink so much before you're breathing the water you're deep in. way over your head. no no, the fray cant save you now. no one can. all because you didnt wanna put on that life vest. idiot. sorry rose. jack's dead. yes, those boats are coming. no, he's not alive. blow the whistle rose. blow it.

so im really random and really tired. i dont know anything anymore. well i know a few things. but not things i need to know now. everything is a god damn question. can i get a lifeline anyone? bueller? bueller? didnt think so. the shit has hit the fan. and the fan is on high. and its not oscillating. if you know what i mean. alright. im done. ignore this entry. no, i am neither high nor drunk.

un‧der‧stand [uhn-der-stand] verb. to accept as true; believe:

2006-10-06T16:52:21Z

"i wanna hang on to something,
that won't break away or fall apart.
like the pieces of my heart."

i needed an outlet, but i guess you never had any space for me.

so yesterday i was talking on the phone with my dad and we talked about the plane ticket for coming home. and then he asked me about bio. i officially withdrew on wednesday, i told him. and then he asked, "dont you need that for pharmacy?" i was just blown away because my mom said she told him and he was really upset, so i was just really confused. and then i told him i wasnt doing pharmacy anymore. and he blew up. "what the hell are you doing over there, then? why dont you just come home?" and more. and then he asked "so what are you going to do with your life, now?" and i told him i didnt know. and all he said was "come home." my mom was handed the phone and she was crying and i said to her "you didnt tell him" and she said, "well, i was hoping you would change your mind." and then i told her there was no way i was ever going to be a pharmacist. she was silent. i told her i loved her, said goodbye, and hung up the phone.

so i wake up at 10 thinking i am going to have a good day. i'm gonna be productive, get some work done, and feel accomplished. instead, i call my mother to book my tickets for coming home and she tells me that my dad and her talked about it last night and that the best thing to do is for me to move back home. i supposedly only came here to become a pharmacist, and now that i dont want to do that anymore, its pointless for me being here.

well, there is a reason i didnt apply to a single in state school, and thats because i dont want to be near them. yeah, we're not on good terms right now. and the thing that hurts the most is that they already strongly believe that i have failed. that i have turned into my brother. and that whatever i do from here on out isnt going to be good enough for them.

not that i give a shit what they think anymore. yes, i miss home and the people that are there. but there's a reason i left. if i was home, i would be so much more distracted than i am now. and my parents would drag me to every single fucking thing thats going around in the indian chicago community which i couldnt give two shits about. i mean my church friends are cool. but other than them, i dont care about your dumb church politics, dad. and i dont care that you told everyone, their mother's aunt's nephew's daughter's second cousin that i am going to be a pharmacist. it's not about them. and you dont get it.

people change their minds. i dont know what i want. or who i am. and you telling me to come home. asking me what the hell am i doing over here. constantly bitching that im not good enough. saying that i should keep doing pharmacy. are you not listening? it's not what i want. it's not who i am. i dont care if it's only been a month. don't ask me to try harder. how about instead of trying to push me into something im going to hate you support me for being your son. oh, but i guess you were never good at that anyway.

yeah dad, im talking to you. i know you'll never read this, but this is real. for all the hours you put into church politics or things in the chicago indian community over the past 18 years, could you even think if you cared half as much about your son? you spent the majority of your free time on the phone or planning something or whatever the hell you want to call it. but how about my track meets. my basketball games. how about taking some god damn time to get to know my friends and their parents. i mean its great that you trust me and all, but a little concern in my life wouldnt have hurt. how about all the times you spent planning some christmas ecumenical church thing? what about my christmas dad? didnt that mean anything to you? or was making sure that you look good in front of a bunch of indians that i dont care about mean so much more. what's your image worth anyway? is it worth more than me? because if it is, then fine. let me know. i mean, i've already grown to expect nothing from you. sure you work hard, dad. and i really do appreciate it, sincerely. i live a better life than a lot of people. thanks. but more important to me dad wasnt the money you provided. all i ever wanted was some of your time.

and mom. what can i say. if it wasnt for you, who knows where i would be? you are just the most genuinely selfless person i know. you sacrifice everything for anyone else, even if its a complete stranger. you always cared, and you always wanted to be there. but i understood. you had work. you were tired. i understood. you always knew i did everything for you. everything. the work i did in school, all the activities i was in, my grades. all of it was for you. and i know you say you never wanted anything. that's who you are. but that still doesnt mean i have lived my life to make you happy. this whole time i have understood, and now i just need you to understand me this once. because it's like you always said mom, "brian, it's your life. you do what you want. don't do anything for me." so that's what i intend to do. why is it a shock all of a sudden? you just planned on saying the words without ever thinking that one day i might follow them? that i would always just ignore you and bring home good grades to make you happy? i love you mom, but you dont understand.

and i guess this is mostly my fault. right? i told you that i wanted to be a pharmacist. and now i dont anymore. oh shit, he changed his mind. what are we going to do? oh no, dad. there goes your image. you're no longer the popular indian with a son who's going to be a pharmacist and that other son you have. now you have two failure children. maybe if you would have been there for us when we we're young, we would know what support felt like. and mom, you're not upset because im changing my mind. you're upset because you think you've failed. and you havent. i wouldnt be one-millionth of the person i am today if it wasnt for you. but dont be upset because you did all you could. more than that. and im sorry for letting you down.

and that's pretty much all i've done since i've been here. i've been letting my friends down left and right by not going to class. im sorry. i've been selling my self short by not trying hard enough. im sorry. i've let my parents down because the face of their family, their precious brian, who was going to be something great, isnt. he just isnt. he's not worth the time to talk to. he's not worth the effort. he's not worth shit anymore. anymore? maybe he just never meant two shits at all and all his hard work went unnoticed because his great family never even cared. maybe thats why when the report card looked good, it was barely a pat on the back. and when the report card looked a little off, my ears would be filled with your angry voices. and they would echo off the walls in my head that couldnt muster up better grades. and i let you down, yet again.

so i guess that's it then. this whole time you have had me set up for failure. and here you are. here i am. i have failed. finally, after years of proving you wrong. you got me. i failed.

is this what you wanted all along?

are you happy now?

i've failed. and now, after years of me understanding that you had better or more important things than me, i need you to just once do the same for me. but i shouldnt expect it. i guess i'll just have to understand. again.

sorry for letting you down. sorry for being a failure as a son. sorry i could never bring you home that trophy you always wanted so you could tell all your friends and family as if you were a part of it. the fact of the matter is, you never were,. and i guess it's all the same, because i guess you never wanted to be...

i understand.

now in you girl, i'm consent to drown....

2006-10-03T08:22:28Z

so tonight i thought about what it is that i want more than anything.

"i can hear ticking clocks,
running rampant in me,
chiming in apogee,
waiting for the synergy,
of her and me waiting on the light.
and i never say goodnight.
never say that i'm always right.

now in you girl,
i'm consent to drown.
you're so high and i'm so down.
this night'll end sooner but much sooner now.
i'm awake in you and you're asleep in me.
all the things i'll never be,
make me wonder could you see.
and i said...

wait. till i hit the ground harder.
wish i could wait. to hear your heartbeat fast.
wish i could wait. till i missed her flavor.
my days are numbered here,
and i don't want to be the last one home.
don't want to be the last one home.

though i'm weak inside,
i'm thriving just the same.
still calling out your name.
wondering who it is that i should blame.
stabbing hard and buried,
consciousness and fear,
forgetting others i hold dear.
wont ya maybe could you hear?
and i said to...

wait. till i hit the ground harder.
wish i could wait. to hear your heartbeat fast.
wish i could wait. till i missed her flavor.
my days are numbered here,
and i don't want to be the last one home.
no no no
the last one home.

(oh here we go...)

and i said,
there you are baby.
waiting on the sun.
just staring at the sky.
said when will he be done?
and i said, there you are baby.
waiting on the sun.
just staring at the sky.
said when will he be done?
when will he be done?

and i wish i could wait. till i see you shaking.
wish i could wait. to pull out of this one fast.
wish i could wait. till i taste your flavor.
and maybe i can savor every last drop.
and i said...

wait. till i hit the ground harder.
wish i could wait. to hear, to hear your heartbeat fast.
i wish I could wait. til i see you shaking.
my days are numbered here.
and i don't want to be the last one home.

the last one home.

the last one home."

"you could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in"

2006-09-29T08:43:58Z

"and your friends have left you.
you've been dismissed.
i never thought it would come to this.
and i, i want you to know.
everyone's got to face down the demons.
maybe today,
you could put the past away.
i wish you would step back from that ledge my friend.
you could cut ties with all the lies that youve been living in..."

"the truth has made its way into my head"

2006-09-27T22:55:10Z

so i got the grade for my bio exam today. let's just say it was on the wrong side of 50. yeah and im missing home a lot now too. and today i realized for sure that pharmacy is definitely not what i want anymore. at all. this is like the worst state of whatever the fuck you wanna call it that i could be in now. but no time to talk. intramural soccer playoffs await. fuck, what the hell am i doing here and what the fuck am i doing with my life?

fuck.